Feelin'

I'm a feeler.
Which means I feel a whole heck of a lot more than I think.
And I think a lot.
I think it's one of those girl things, but it's a strong possibility that it's one of those Hannah things, that I can manage to lay awake for hours at nighttime, thinking, contemplating, praying, but when heavy emotion hits, in a moment, all my brain cells and thoughts fly straight out of my ears like an angry swarm of bees and I all I can seem to do is act on how I feel.
It can be a gift at times, when I choose joy, it can fill me all the way up and I seem a little silly with how happy I get! Seeing a dear friend, finding beauty in creation, hearing a song that just fills your soul with music - that's when I love being a feeler.
Sometimes, though, the simplest thing can happen to me or around me and it's like the world is caving in around me. I'm serious. Someone gets doesn't smile back at me when I take their coffee order or I drop my banana - these things can reduce me to tears! Ever seen that one episode of New Girl when it's Jess' time of the month and she is interviewing for a new job and then she sees a picture of a puppy in a cup and falls apart? 
Guys, it happens in real life.
Yesterday, my dad laughed so heartily at one of my stories that I actually had to hold back tears. And not tears of laughter. It was just so beautiful. *tears*
I had a guy friend ask how we girls could even possibly feel so much - and I automatically thought of Hermione's retort "Well just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon!"

Now guys, I do believe you have feelings. I'm not man-bashing or trying to stereotype here, but, for some reason, God created women to feel stronger than men. We were taken from the rib, to protect the heart, to understand it, to feel the reflection of God's emotions. 
I imagine how fiercely I love people, how much my hurt can penetrate my heart, all these things, and then realize how much deeper God loves. I imagine the sting of a friend who blows me off and realize how much stronger is the wound He receives when I ignore Him. I imagine the joy I find in a simple purple flower, a small gift He gives me on an ordinary day and how much more joy wells up in Him when I merely whisper His name. 

And that's when I know, even when I can't feel Him. Those times when even my emotions run out and I feel so dry, I know that God is there and He does hear because He does feel and He gave it to me. 

Insomnia

Last night, I had one of my rare nights of insomnia. They seem to becoming less rare, happening once about every two weeks, and I'm beginning to wonder if it's more than just too much consumption of coffee or too many thoughts spinning in my head or some weird thing my body has decided to do to try and regulate my sleep. One of my mentors once shared her wisdom with me a while back, telling me that insomnia is sometimes God's way of getting us to talk to Him. It's something that, up until she told me that, I'd know with my head but not quite gotten with my heart. And so changed my prayer life. And up until last night, I didn't realize how my prayers have been me talking at God, not talking with Him. I have such a huge problem with receiving. Maybe it's because I tend to believe the lie that God doesn't actually have anything to give to me, maybe it's because I'm so focused on getting it out or striving to experience Him that I miss everything He has to give me entirely. Man, it's crazy how much I deprive myself of in my desire to show God that I deserve it; to show Him that I'm worthy of His attention, but it's crazy that I can't do anything to ever deserve anything from God! Everything He gives is a gift He desires to give us, not because I'm good or I do something right, but merely because I am His child and He created me to love Him and be loved in return. 
Woah.
I'm never gonna get my mind wrapped around that one. Who even dreams that up? 
So I prayed last night. Isn't crazy how we loose the art of conversation with the Creator of language and tongues? And I'm trying to learn how to receive.




NEW ZEALAND IN LESS THAN A MONTH.


here's a crazy sunset picture to be happy about.